I started where a lot of us start: trying to understand. A philosophy major at NYU, then years of books — Ken Wilber, Carl Jung, attachment theory, health, self-development.

It expanded my awareness, and it pointed me toward paths that eventually helped. But I could describe my patterns clearly, and they kept running me anyway. As one of my coaches once told me, “Delete the need to understand.”

[Read Part 1: Intellectual Understanding →]

I grew up sick, and for years I experimented with everything I could find — diet, sleep, supplements, daily routines, and every medical treatment that might help.

Gradually, my health became resilient. Not perfect, but my energy became steady from morning to night, and I started catching a cold once every year or two instead of every few months. I learned that what works has to be aligned with me, not imposed from the outside. I learned to trust what my body was telling me over any single plan. And I learned how connected the body is to everything else.

When I became depressed in 2018, therapy was the first place I turned. Over the years I worked with therapists in talk therapy, relationship therapy, transpersonal therapy, and Internal Family Systems.

It helped me understand why my patterns were the way they were, and I’m grateful for it. I also saw its limits. Insight alone didn’t always translate into real change in how I lived or felt day to day.

Meditation and yin yoga came next, for hours a day over many months. They showed me how the mind creates loops, tension, and confusion, and how trying to control my thoughts didn’t resolve what was underneath them.

They also led to a powerful moment of awakening. But I learned that a peak experience is different from integrated wisdom. Life got harder before it got easier.

Alexander Technique, Gyrotonic, Rolfing, posture and alignment work, myofascial release. I was determined to live without pain, and when I felt it, to find its root.

It showed me how much the body holds onto patterns over time, and how physical tension is often connected to deeper emotional and behavioral patterns. It also showed me how much joy and freedom there is in a body that feels good.

Then came the deepest work of my life: years of embodiment, somatic, and transformational coaching, a weekly group healing program, and hundreds of hours reviewing video of how I and others showed up.

I let myself feel emotions I’d kept down for years, and learned the difference between reacting to a feeling and actually feeling it. I stopped wearing a happy mask. This is where things finally began to shift in a way that lasted. And there’s still more to find.

Alongside all of this, I was exploring what I actually wanted to do with my life. Part-time work, selling granola at a farmers market, a health food café in Kona, recording and publishing music, mentoring high school students, and working with career and creative coaches.

Some of it worked, and some of it didn’t. I remember walking home after a gig in Long Beach, feeling like my life was going in a circle. What I learned is that there are many effective paths, and far fewer aligned ones. Finding mine took everything above.